Epilogue From a Virago
Granted it's been a little over twenty-four hours since I wrote that sappy piece of garbage about my newest ex, but let's take a moment and properly reflect. After being tipsy, sobering up and waking up from my slumber-- procuring myself a new job (albeit, one I would have definitely preferred not to have), a new meaning to live-- despite the fact that I deal and have to figure out how to properly manage my depression. Depression doesn't like being told that you are going to have plans for a good mood, because they are notoriously known for discouraging that at the first availability. The most opportune possibility of any slight edge of a good mood and there will suddenly be none.
You will be left with nothing, but the thoughts of a darker tomorrow and a morbid possibility of ending your life.
This post isn't going to be depression inducing since I didn't wallow in my own self pity for too long. I didn't stew, but I did what seems natural for someone like myself to do.
I got irritated.
I thought back to all the times that felt like I was dating someone that could have potentially been playing mind tricks with me. And in simple fairness, he didn't, but there were moments I doubted myself. I doubted my recollection of information, of how dialogue that was produced, I even hesitated in speaking, basically in the ability of cooperating in a cohesive and tolerable manner. I found myself feeling inferior due to the potential of an inferiority versus superiority complex.
As someone that has dealt with constantly harboring such memories of being a superior dickbag, I knew that that wasn't right. But that doesn't always mean that it's healthy or ideal to find oneself in a predicament. Mind fragmented, chest throbbing for the wrong reasons when talking to someone and feeling inferior. Or worse, feeling that the ability to being innately inferior is an option.
I have come to the sad fact that when it ultimately comes to dating, I find myself on two sides of a fence. I pursue-- typically the guys I initiate to date, they turn out to be the worst possible human beings for me. I find all the traits that I absolutely cannot stand about them-- but I ignore it, and try to make it work or I jump ship and ghost.
And there's the other extreme, the guys that have rejected me for one reason or another. The ones that had so many qualities that I absolutely would have loved in a significant other, that I almost glorified them in such a sphere of light that when it finally burned out-- they had some of the most disturbing qualities that I cannot even remotely stomach.
But they all have something in common, and I bet if they were all in the same room with one another. I had some form of insecurity in regards to them, as did they have within themselves. Therefore, I wouldn't date or strike interest in them again, no fuckin' ma'am.
My recent ex, as awful as this would sound, I glorified the fact that he was a man that would truly do anything for his partner. He enjoyed cuddling, belly rubs (my fave, I don't give a flying fuck) and just being a homebody. Though the twist to this, is that for someone that was hyper-misanthropic, he did enjoyed going out to places where there would be people. The hilarious thing about this, one of the points that he said he had a problem with was the fact that he hated people, but wanted to go out-- where there would be fucking people. Where is the logic in that? Surely there are places to frequent where it's quiet and limited with human beings. For the entire time of dating, I thought he was someone that understood that the limited contact with the human race was best. Always talking about how he couldn't get ready to get a house, to have a basement and never come out. Which, as a by the way, I was the one that gave him the idea that moving into a house would be much better than being underneath obtusely, exhausting neighbors. He was under the pretense that houses were much more expensive to rent from, until I offered him information that that isn't the case. It was purely based on location. If you happened to find this post, you're fucking welcome.
But no, as an introvert, why would I want to go out of my way to surround myself with more people when I would have dealt with enough (when I had my job) or when I was just tired of being surrounded by them (when I was without).
He blamed me for the fact that he couldn't find it enjoyable to go out in public with me, even though-- I've told him on a handful of occasions, he can go out by himself. I never once told him he couldn't enjoy something without me, but apparently, he wanted to do everything with me.
Yet, I was a damper on his "good time". Yikes, must feel nice to know that at the end of the day, your patience with humans will reach it's limit and you'll go bat shit crazy like you did with me. That's fantastic, keep doing you.
Also, as anyone that knows me, I like to say-- I am someone that plans. If I'm spending time with someone, I have to know what's in store, what's on the agenda or if it's just a free day. Meanwhile, he found it annoying that I constantly had to ask "What are we doing today?" and would have a split-personality attitude about it. Excuse me, I told you I like to know what's happening in the future during the time I'm there or future times.
Yet, he professed that he didn't like that I couldn't fit into the plans he would make up. W h a t.
I agree, I can have bratty tendencies, however, I am not always made privy of the plans he has in store or within that blonde head of his. I swear, if I didn't walk through the hall of fame of bullshit already with the past four years of nonsense in my life, this would almost take the cake.
He also didn't like that I had this, almost motherly instinct about me. I always made sure that anybody that is of relevant importance to me were doing ok-- if they slept well, if they ate well, if they doing alright and if they're sure about any upcoming obstacles / questions / actions that would happen. That bothered him. Excuse me, I'm sorry that you apparently have moments where you don't properly take care of yourself, where you can't feed yourself accordingly because you aren't an average functioning human being and I'm abso-fucking-lutely sorry that I have a habit of asking if my friends or other important people in my life if they're sure about whatever it is they intend to go through.
Yes, you're the rare breed of douchebag that does the whole "I say that one thing, I mean that one thing." That's fine, that's cute. However, understand that not everyone will be able to adjust to that way of thinking and living effectively. Do not fucking raise your damn voice at me-- hell, yell at me and then try to make me feel bad for being myself. For being who I am and for just being worried. I worry for everyone I care about, but apparently, I shouldn't even bother actually. You want to be friends, I can barely do that much. You'll get the bare minimum of concern as far as I'm concerned.
The thing about the previous paragraph that irritates me to the absolute power, is that you don't feel you have to explain yourself. You feel as though you shouldn't have to and that should be it. What idiot in this universe is going to just blindly accept that? If you're such an inquisitive human being, you should be alright with the fact that someone is going to ask you "Why?" or want a further explanation. I truly don't believe you understand the fact that if you just explained yourself, just did that much-- so many situations would have been different. So fucking many. There wouldn't be any sort of friction or problems because you as a man, a white man on top of that-- can't handle having to explain anything. Oops, sorry for being a woman, I'll make sure to find the nearest 9in dildo and shove it in your ass.
Last but not least, the comment about you calling me controlling or feeling that I'm controlling. I will admit, I do have a tendency to overstep my boundaries, I am aware I am assertive, aggressive and even demanding. I am also aware that if I feel a situation is being handled by someone, I will interject and share how I honestly feel. However, in what way was I even controlling with you? Just because I didn't want to interact with anything, doesn't mean that I forbade you. If it was obviously dangerous, I didn't want you to partake. Even if wanting you to not kill yourself was another moment when I was "controlling" then oh well.
In fact, oh well to a lot of things. You claim that I don't know what goes on in your head, I don't understand the intricacies of your mind. That you were tired of me making preconceived notions-- I'll admit that's my fault and my problem, but the fact that you never chose to adequately share wasn't fair. You knew early on the second I felt unsure about something, I will close myself off and not share my issues. You don't have the fortitude to withstand someone like myself. You actually don't have nearly as much patience as I'm looking for in a long term partner. You also don't have the emotional skills either.
Though I was right about a few things-- the relationship wouldn't have worked long term because I would have given up on you. And in closing, you have to admit, you did too towards the end.
Bye.
You will be left with nothing, but the thoughts of a darker tomorrow and a morbid possibility of ending your life.
This post isn't going to be depression inducing since I didn't wallow in my own self pity for too long. I didn't stew, but I did what seems natural for someone like myself to do.
I got irritated.
I thought back to all the times that felt like I was dating someone that could have potentially been playing mind tricks with me. And in simple fairness, he didn't, but there were moments I doubted myself. I doubted my recollection of information, of how dialogue that was produced, I even hesitated in speaking, basically in the ability of cooperating in a cohesive and tolerable manner. I found myself feeling inferior due to the potential of an inferiority versus superiority complex.
As someone that has dealt with constantly harboring such memories of being a superior dickbag, I knew that that wasn't right. But that doesn't always mean that it's healthy or ideal to find oneself in a predicament. Mind fragmented, chest throbbing for the wrong reasons when talking to someone and feeling inferior. Or worse, feeling that the ability to being innately inferior is an option.
I have come to the sad fact that when it ultimately comes to dating, I find myself on two sides of a fence. I pursue-- typically the guys I initiate to date, they turn out to be the worst possible human beings for me. I find all the traits that I absolutely cannot stand about them-- but I ignore it, and try to make it work or I jump ship and ghost.
And there's the other extreme, the guys that have rejected me for one reason or another. The ones that had so many qualities that I absolutely would have loved in a significant other, that I almost glorified them in such a sphere of light that when it finally burned out-- they had some of the most disturbing qualities that I cannot even remotely stomach.
But they all have something in common, and I bet if they were all in the same room with one another. I had some form of insecurity in regards to them, as did they have within themselves. Therefore, I wouldn't date or strike interest in them again, no fuckin' ma'am.
My recent ex, as awful as this would sound, I glorified the fact that he was a man that would truly do anything for his partner. He enjoyed cuddling, belly rubs (my fave, I don't give a flying fuck) and just being a homebody. Though the twist to this, is that for someone that was hyper-misanthropic, he did enjoyed going out to places where there would be people. The hilarious thing about this, one of the points that he said he had a problem with was the fact that he hated people, but wanted to go out-- where there would be fucking people. Where is the logic in that? Surely there are places to frequent where it's quiet and limited with human beings. For the entire time of dating, I thought he was someone that understood that the limited contact with the human race was best. Always talking about how he couldn't get ready to get a house, to have a basement and never come out. Which, as a by the way, I was the one that gave him the idea that moving into a house would be much better than being underneath obtusely, exhausting neighbors. He was under the pretense that houses were much more expensive to rent from, until I offered him information that that isn't the case. It was purely based on location. If you happened to find this post, you're fucking welcome.
But no, as an introvert, why would I want to go out of my way to surround myself with more people when I would have dealt with enough (when I had my job) or when I was just tired of being surrounded by them (when I was without).
He blamed me for the fact that he couldn't find it enjoyable to go out in public with me, even though-- I've told him on a handful of occasions, he can go out by himself. I never once told him he couldn't enjoy something without me, but apparently, he wanted to do everything with me.
Yet, I was a damper on his "good time". Yikes, must feel nice to know that at the end of the day, your patience with humans will reach it's limit and you'll go bat shit crazy like you did with me. That's fantastic, keep doing you.
Also, as anyone that knows me, I like to say-- I am someone that plans. If I'm spending time with someone, I have to know what's in store, what's on the agenda or if it's just a free day. Meanwhile, he found it annoying that I constantly had to ask "What are we doing today?" and would have a split-personality attitude about it. Excuse me, I told you I like to know what's happening in the future during the time I'm there or future times.
Yet, he professed that he didn't like that I couldn't fit into the plans he would make up. W h a t.
I agree, I can have bratty tendencies, however, I am not always made privy of the plans he has in store or within that blonde head of his. I swear, if I didn't walk through the hall of fame of bullshit already with the past four years of nonsense in my life, this would almost take the cake.
He also didn't like that I had this, almost motherly instinct about me. I always made sure that anybody that is of relevant importance to me were doing ok-- if they slept well, if they ate well, if they doing alright and if they're sure about any upcoming obstacles / questions / actions that would happen. That bothered him. Excuse me, I'm sorry that you apparently have moments where you don't properly take care of yourself, where you can't feed yourself accordingly because you aren't an average functioning human being and I'm abso-fucking-lutely sorry that I have a habit of asking if my friends or other important people in my life if they're sure about whatever it is they intend to go through.
Yes, you're the rare breed of douchebag that does the whole "I say that one thing, I mean that one thing." That's fine, that's cute. However, understand that not everyone will be able to adjust to that way of thinking and living effectively. Do not fucking raise your damn voice at me-- hell, yell at me and then try to make me feel bad for being myself. For being who I am and for just being worried. I worry for everyone I care about, but apparently, I shouldn't even bother actually. You want to be friends, I can barely do that much. You'll get the bare minimum of concern as far as I'm concerned.
The thing about the previous paragraph that irritates me to the absolute power, is that you don't feel you have to explain yourself. You feel as though you shouldn't have to and that should be it. What idiot in this universe is going to just blindly accept that? If you're such an inquisitive human being, you should be alright with the fact that someone is going to ask you "Why?" or want a further explanation. I truly don't believe you understand the fact that if you just explained yourself, just did that much-- so many situations would have been different. So fucking many. There wouldn't be any sort of friction or problems because you as a man, a white man on top of that-- can't handle having to explain anything. Oops, sorry for being a woman, I'll make sure to find the nearest 9in dildo and shove it in your ass.
Last but not least, the comment about you calling me controlling or feeling that I'm controlling. I will admit, I do have a tendency to overstep my boundaries, I am aware I am assertive, aggressive and even demanding. I am also aware that if I feel a situation is being handled by someone, I will interject and share how I honestly feel. However, in what way was I even controlling with you? Just because I didn't want to interact with anything, doesn't mean that I forbade you. If it was obviously dangerous, I didn't want you to partake. Even if wanting you to not kill yourself was another moment when I was "controlling" then oh well.
In fact, oh well to a lot of things. You claim that I don't know what goes on in your head, I don't understand the intricacies of your mind. That you were tired of me making preconceived notions-- I'll admit that's my fault and my problem, but the fact that you never chose to adequately share wasn't fair. You knew early on the second I felt unsure about something, I will close myself off and not share my issues. You don't have the fortitude to withstand someone like myself. You actually don't have nearly as much patience as I'm looking for in a long term partner. You also don't have the emotional skills either.
Though I was right about a few things-- the relationship wouldn't have worked long term because I would have given up on you. And in closing, you have to admit, you did too towards the end.
Bye.
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