These XY Chromosomes make me tired, too.

Tw: implied rape and sexual abuse

Guys, as in men, as in the x-y chromosome beings with dicks. My relationship with them have varying dispositions and it doesn’t always mean that that’s bad. It just shows that there’s different dynamics between men and women. Typical father / father-figure and daughter relationships, boyfriend and girlfriend relationships, fuckboy and girl who is honestly looking for something serious, even basic husband and wife dynamics-- they all differ. Whether you’re the one experiencing the opposite sex, or observing from the outside looking in, you’ve dealt with them at some point.

As mentioned in the previous post, I was close with my grandfather because he was the only adult male figure in my life that could actively interact with. I have a mentally disabled uncle, however, I considered him more of a play friend when I was younger. But that was before my Nana died and his episodes got unpleasantly more aggressive and dangerous to be around. So I detached myself quickly from him, sadly. I had a decent companionship with my granddad because he was really the only positive male figure I had that never actually would hurt me. Granted, things soured before he died, but I will never forget the type of person he was before the events that happened, unfolded the way that they did. I didn’t start dating until I was 21, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t interact with guys prior to that.

When I was younger and disinterested in the real people I interacted with in real life, I always pursued connections online. Either in chat rooms or forums-- and I was heavy into forums. Sadly though, because I was 11 / 12, I would lie about my age so that those older than me would still talk to me. Thinking back on it, that was really the only thing I lied about. Which is dangerous in the grand scheme of things because I would be talking to guys and other girls too, that would be 16 - 22 years of age, maybe even older. I would pretend to be at least 16, which at the time was interesting to whoever I talked with. They would always assume I was older just by the types of conversations I would have. Granted, post-Nana’s death, I was really in a dark place but I didn’t find anything dark about that place. I wanted to talk about life and death, philosophies people followed and if they truly believed in them, music (Since I was branching into Jpop & Kpop) around this time along with finally getting into graphic designing and fanfiction writing. Granted, I didn’t always share fanfiction to just ANY guy I talked to, since it would seem like something that they wouldn’t be interested in.

I had two online boyfriends, it was interesting. One when I was in 6th grade and it was back when RuneScape was the in thing to be interested in. So I remember talking to this guy for not even that long, maybe two weeks, and he asked me one day after I came home from school and had bad sloppy joes for lunch that day if I’d be his girlfriend. After I finished puking my guts out, I said yes. Then with time, RuneScape lost interest to me and I kept getting grounded since I was apathetic about school and my grades.

Another one, was off some Invision Board forum that an at the time friend made from Tuxedo Mask Forum Dot Com. Yes, I’m aware that at the time so many people wanted to branch off and make their own forums with people that also had similar interests. Thing is, they always died within the first six months if not, within the year. This was when I must’ve been 12 or 13, and there was a guy on there that I liked. Funnily enough, he was interested in someone else, so my little pre-teen feelings got hurt, but I was also talking to another guy that I was relatively interested in. I don’t think young me understood that by wanting both men at the same time, I was okay with the idea of polyamorous relationships. I didn’t even know what that word meant at the time since I wasn’t introduced to it until high school. I remember the guy’s username, it was Forté and he was the one that got me into Castle in the Sky song, that would later on play as the best inside joke ever. Then as time, and once again, being constantly grounded, he became a bit of an afterthought honestly.  

This is probably why I’m still floored people started having “boyfriends” / boyfriends in 3rd grade and made it “last” / last till high school. I didn’t really consider or much care for them back when I was younger. Things seemed to empty to do and say, even though I was aware they were real people. The only difference is that, I lied to one of them about my age, but came clean and they still liked me. Now, I am not one for the saying “Age is nothing but a number” there’s a reason that’s an Aaliyah song, something pedophiles say that and perhaps, something Hugh Hefner probably says. Age matters, especially in terms of legalities and sometimes is relevant in cases of maturity. It isn’t always true, now that I’m older, I painfully am aware of this.

My relationship involving men hasn’t been the greatest. I told myself when I was young and naive that the first guy I will be with, we’ll be in a serious relationship and he’ll take my virginity and it’ll be great. Wrong, the first boyfriend I did have was nice, almost borderline annoying up until we had sex. As if on cue after he took my virginity, he basically ghosted and stopped talking to me as freely and honestly as possible. Everything was an excuse. I made the mistake of getting in a relationship with him when I was in a very fragile time in my life, which is my fault, but you would think that the man I was dating would even care. He was relatively selfish and didn’t want to put much effort into our relationship. He lived somewhere in St. Louis and always complained about the drive to my place. Granted, I still don’t have my license (as mentioned previously), so I always gave him gas money for coming out to seeing me. Out of courtesy for the most part, even though, you really shouldn’t have to pay for your significant other’s time unless they’re actually strapped for cash. It feels . . . really awful. Should be the principal of the matter, but . . . as I already said, it doesn’t feel that great. Sexually speaking, sex was more of a traumatizing and chore-related thing to engage in. I see no reason to get into the details of that.

Through a few weeks of lying and hiding from me, I got tired and dumped him. I’m not going to be someone’s booty call with the title of “girlfriend” slapped on to make it seem meaningful. I am not someone that you can also try to take advantage of, emotionally and sexually. If I say no, I mean no. Not get more aggressive and rude because I don’t want to do something you want.

Some months later, I met my previous ex or “ex” rather since he didn’t want to put a label on our relationship. And honestly, the jokes was on me because both times we dated, I learned more about myself and him. He had too many ugly qualities, that only time showed me. He was racist, for damn sure. Which I wish he came with “I am racially insensitive, intolerant and I like to enjoy the exoticism of black women since white women don’t hold my appeal.” sign. Because that’s really all I learned from him and I wish I didn’t waste any breath of air on him. But mistakes were made, not once, but twice. I learned more about myself and how I don’t need such disrespect and negativity such as that in my own life.

Now we’re in 2017, where I am yet again, seeing someone else. Is he good for me? That’s something I am still trying to figure out. He is an interesting specimen, and yet like any other guy I’ve shown some sort of interest in (honorable mention to the guys that I crushed on and that never romantically gave me a chance), he is scientific minded, well-spoken and for once, has a decent amount in common with me. He is another Southern Belle (yes, the undercover racist guy was from the South as well) and I have a positive feeling about him. However, with all positive feelings doesn’t always mean everything involving the person will be something(s) I want.

In actuality, the point of this post is because I am trying to draw positive and negatives in the relationship to the current person I’m seeing. I honestly don’t enjoy talking about my relationship(s) with whoever I’m with unless it’s already ended. If I talk about them positively and prematurely, never fails, something negative will or has happened and I have to live with the fact I basically just shot my load too soon. I have a habit where no matter how awful the person is to me, I will see their positive traits and try to fade their flaws into the background-- no matter how much I’m tired of those traits. I see a person’s potential before I see that they’re inherently bad for me. And sadly, that’s a fate that came to be for my first boyfriend and that’s why I chose to let him go. My second was just me being an idiot and seeing if second chances were worth it-- I knew my answer before I accepted it but I must have been lonelier than I gave myself credit for.

Let’s talk about the positives and negatives of the current man I’m interested in. I feel a way about him at the moment, but from an objective point of view, I will share with how I view him.

• He’s great to talk to.
  I never felt connected in that sense to any of the previous guys I’ve talked to. They never really made me feel comfortable in talking with them either based on how they view the world and society or just if they were close-minded or too unintelligent to give a rat’s ass about society and the issues that are prevalent in the world currently.

• 
  
• He’s responsible and financially stable.
  I don’t understand women that don’t see the appeal in a man that knows how to handle their responsibilities or financial situations. Coming from a household where money is a constant struggle and it almost feels as though no one sees eye-to-eye on how finances should be handled, granted it’s a trial and error type thing, but you can only fuck up so many times before it’s a rather compromising issue.
  
• He’s passionate.
  Not just sexually, but he’s passionate about things that I either never considered the prospect of or he has an entirely different interest he is interested in. I enjoy that he has an interest in robotics and wizards. I find these things cute-- and not in the demeaning way. When someone is extremely passionate about the types of things they are into, it’s not wise to trivialize the things they enjoy. That’s what monsters and petty people do when they have no interest in participating in that person’s hobbies or interests. Granted, I never seriously thought about robots / androids, but it’s interesting to hear him to go on about them. My only interests in wizards stem from Harry Potter and other worlds that showcase magic in some shape or form. Luckily his interests don’t stop there, voice acting and video games are other facets he enjoys.
  
• He’s patient.
  Anyone that has known me and know me well, know that my patience has inexplicably dissipated over the years. I have almost little to no patience for a lot of things, people, hobbies, foods-- you name it, I probably ain’t got time for it anymore. However, as someone that is constantly struggling mentally and emotionally, it is so helpful and makes me feel good to know that there is someone that is patient with me. Granted, his patience can only go so far, but I haven’t run it dry and I don’t intend to. Patience in a partner is something I have long sought after given the type of person that I am, I’m glad that I’ve encountered someone like him.
  
• He’s straightforward and very direct.
  As someone that is typically straightforward, almost aggressive in nature, I find that this quality is something I wasn’t sure if I desired. So far, I haven’t complained too much in this regard. Vague people are the type of people I’ve unfortunately grown so accustomed to, yet, I can’t help but feel irritated that it’s essentially my norm. Granted, the people I surround myself with are developing-- as am I, and this problem is definitely less frequent.
  
• He’s transparent. What you see is literally what you get. . . .
  This is something I thoroughly enjoy because I am always paranoid and thinking the other person is constantly hiding something. I always feel the other person has some sort of objective for something and I am not a fan of it. I enjoy that he says how he feels and it’s really genuine and it makes me feel good. I’ve never experienced it from someone else in the romantic sense. It catches me off guard fairly often, something that rarely happens. I’m usually the one that catches everyone by surprise, it’s a refreshing change of events.

Now, let’s change it up to the negatives.

• He exhibits passive aggressive tendencies, aggressively.
  This was a problem that only recently came to fruition over this recent weekend I spent with him. He doesn’t realize it, I also am unsure if anyone has ever called him out on this type of behavior (I think I have my answer, otherwise he wouldn’t do it). I suggested we get more Taco Bell and I would pay for drinks and maybe additional food on my debit card, plus some change. He didn’t want to be a bother, which is fine. However, when he was getting ready, he has a tendency to talk to himself. I feel as though he forgets I have ears or that I’m a sentient human being. Because the words that came out of his mouth while he was talking to himself was “Well, I guess I have to pay for everything since no one fucking cares.” And being in the current emotional state I’m in, I knew that saying anything wouldn’t be a good idea. So I just ignored it, because that’s the #1 thing I’m good at.
  
• He’s a pushover / partner pleaser, but doesn’t know how to say no & blames the opposing partner.
  Now, he’s something I never thought I’d see the day that I’d complain much about. I used to always want someone that does everything and anything. Which is hilarious, because the people that know me, know that I will get tired of this. I’m already tired of it and I haven’t been with this man a full 90 days. I’m used to having partners or friends that don’t listen to me or care about anything I do, or they know how to say no despite it being something I wanted to do. This one, is a weird one. I will say I want something, but they aren’t into it unless I am, yet they will do it because I want to. I’m someone that actually enjoys the company of others if they enjoy it too. A perfect example of this is Friday night / Saturday morning when my boyfriend came to get me, after telling me no that he will do it on Saturday evening. But I wanted to see him sooner, like a brat. Instead of firmly telling me no, he got an attitude and came to see me despite the circumstances that was at stake. Granted, we talked about it, but I didn’t tell him that he’s the above bolded title. But trust me, if it happens again, no matter how big or small, we’re going to talk about it.
  
• He feels he shouldn’t have to explain himself when prodded for something specific.
  This annoys the living shit out of me, problem is, I can’t vocalize and articulate properly how this bothers me. If I have, he probably just responded with “I said one thing, it is that one thing.” but he doesn’t understand that I’m used to people explaining themselves. He’s been procrastinating heavily on doing his homework to get re-certified. I honestly didn’t know that he still hasn’t done it, and he said he was going to use a portion of this past weekend to do it and to have some alone time before he came and got me. That’s fine, however he didn’t tell me any of this until after he picked me up and we had a conversation. He feels that once he says something once, that should be the end of it and doesn’t require a full explanation. What he doesn’t know, is that if he had said before our plans “Hey, if my friends don’t want to hang out, I’m going to use the time to study and do homework.” then ya know what would have happened? I would have changed my entire tune and told him he can see me another time. Did that happen? No. Should it have happened that way? Abso-fucking-lutely! Which leads me to this next issue:
  
• His transparency at times, can be tactless & ensures the other party to feel negatively 100%.
  I take responsibility for a handful of things. Now that I’m more vulnerable and really exposed, I blame myself for a lot of things. If I’m bothering someone, I blame myself. If I find myself doing more harm than good, I blame myself and remove myself from the situation to make it simpler for the other person. I don’t enjoy knowing that I’m causing more harm than good, but if I can prevent it beforehand, then it’s great. If I’ve already caused the damage and I can’t make things better, then I feel awful. I definitely don’t want to inconvenience someone, especially to the point where they snap. And he’s snapped, briefly and it terrified me while we were in the car ride together. I already have been thinking about wanting to kill myself recently, but that didn’t really help. If I could take back the time I spent with him this past weekend, I would. Not all of it was bad, but I felt like shit and that’s something I avoid. His outburst was sudden, he was harshly and mockingly laughing and just made me very scared. When we got to our destination, we did our usual thing, looking around books and media. Then when I had to go to the bathroom, I went and I cried for a little bit before I had to compose myself. I felt lost, I didn’t know what to do. I hope it doesn’t happen again because I will freak out on him. I’m a special brand of crazy, so I hope that doesn’t occur.
  
• He doesn’t always listen.
  Example: I told him that I constantly ask people “Are you sure?” about everything. Why? I’ve had some vague and annoying ass people mean one thing and not mean the other. Granted, I said that he is transparent, and that’s fine, but guess what? This is a habit of mine. I told him this was a habit. So something simple, I asked him if he wanted the chips I brought over. Sadly, it wasn’t the preferred flavor but they were a brand of chips I wanted him to try. He said he wasn’t hungry, out of habit I asked  “You sure?” and ha! Guess what, not even ten minutes after I mentioned the above habit: “I just fucking said I don’t want any! God! Don’t you listen?!” Apparently I listen perfectly well, because he shouted that and immediately after I wanted to hang myself over a stupid question. Welp, needless to say I wanted to cry in a room by myself but that can’t be possible. So I do what I do best, I sucked it up and hoped for the best. I pretended it didn’t phase me.
  
  
• He’s pretentious / likes to hear himself talk sometimes.
  I’ve told him that he’s pretentious, within the first three weeks of us talking. So this is self-explanatory, luckily he doesn’t really look down on others as if he is in a state of elitism. So that’s a positive about it.
  
  The liking to hearing himself talk? There are times where I have nothing to say, and he just talks. It’s not a problem, but I’ve only recently thought this given the past weekend’s events. I wondered if he actually just likes hearing himself talk or if he enjoys talking to me.

More than likely, this is something I’d have to figure out for myself. I’m not asking for opinions, I’ve just honestly wanted to purge these negative and morose vibes I’ve been feeling lately. This is another one of those feelings I’ve been purging, the recent poor experience I’ve had with my boyfriend. Honestly, what needs to happen is that we need to enjoy these two weeks of not seeing each other. I know I will, I need to breathe and not feel cluttered by the negative energies.

This post is in no way to besmirch him, he’s an alright person. He’s an average human being with flaws, just as I am. I don’t think he’s a monster, but if he turns into one, then I’m sure I will too and the sight won’t be pretty.