I'm tired of being me.

Do you ever just subconsciously think to yourself, “Wow I’m a piece of shit.” and you mentally respond, “Same”? Because I know I do.

I never talk about myself in depth, simply for the fact I don’t enjoy talking about myself. I think it’s contrite and I would rather people not know me. I would rather them ignore me, but if you know me personally or know something about me, you know the following:

I don’t give a fuck about people.

I’m easily irritated.

I love food, but am a picky eater.

I don’t like chocolate-- unless it’s dark chocolate.

I like to sleep and I sleep pretty heavy.

I advocate for booty rubs and for people to get their ass ate.

This is honestly the basics of what people should know about me and what I would rather them only know about me. However I am aware of the type of person I’ve developed into. An only child that doesn’t tolerate much for people that can’t do things themselves, too prideful to even ask for help-- even when situations are at their most critical and I am someone that seems so sure of themselves. Lately, I haven’t been the latter, I have not felt so sure of myself. In fact, I’ve felt nothing but distraught and distressed at this feeling. I am at my most vulnerable and it makes me so uncomfortable.

At a glance, people would assume either the following “Wow, she looks so friendly” or “She looks intimidating, I wouldn’t want to go up to her” because I have the infamously titled Resting Bitch Face. The title in itself screams “fragile masculinity pinned this because a woman didn’t smile at him” and I only assume this since this is true.

I’m unsure of what the point of writing this is supposed to stem from. It honestly stemmed from me starting this when I was feeling extremely angry and upset from within myself, but now that I’m reading this almost twenty-four hours later, I have a better idea of what I want to do. I’ll introduce myself in a nonchalant way that I doubt someone would ordinarily introduce themselves, whether in person or in a regular “about me” section.

I go by plenty of pseudonyms and honestly I feel overdue to create another. My life needs another renovation. So for the time being, you can call me Devereaux-- Reaux for short. I am a twenty-something that can easily describe oneself as too high-strung, perceptive, critical, deadpan, apathetic, insecure, serious and irritable. When I am not being the above, I am an empath that chooses to ignore everything that entails to that, someone that laughs at things funny or not since my humor isn’t for everyone, and someone you can confidently call your friend.

I am uninterested in people that can’t think for themselves, while also uninterested in those that feel they have to over the top for no reason. I am sadly, quite the apathetic individual, but I am finally aware of why I am constantly like this. Depression aside, I just don’t give a shit about a lot of things that don’t hold my interest. Or if I have a feeling it wouldn’t, I just won’t engage with the situation.

I am however, almost entirely judgemental. Which one wouldn’t think based on the interests, my close friends and even though I befriend over the internet, but I am. That should be something that’s immediately noticed about me, but why do you think that is?

I used to believe that I’m the farthest from being judgemental, but I’ve already accepted that that’s not the case. But, I don’t judge in the traditional sense. Here’s some scenarios I would more than likely judge you, and the judgement can be huge or so minor that it only lasts a second and probably will be rendered as irrelevant. I probably would have to think hard on the constant occurrences, since at the end of the day, I’ve always accepted that: I’m not paying their bills, that’s their life and they can do whatever they want as long as they’re not harming others.

I have also come into the realization that I’m entirely too hard on myself. One wouldn’t think so from an individual that didn’t give two shits about school since most things the average person would consider learning, they could just teach themselves. I learned how to code layouts by myself, I learned how to graphic design by myself, I’m in the process of learning how to be proficient in a foreign language-- by myself. These skills, if introduced young, can definitely provide the best results and shape them. But people want to be taught, they don’t want to do things on their own. That’s something that personally bothers me and probably why I’m muc harder on myself. Someone with a fancy degree whose work would be adorned with such admiration and “skill” while someone like myself, who has literally been doing one of those trades for over five years or more simply gets looked over.

I hold myself to an almost unrealistic standard, I used to compare myself frequently to other writers or others that do similar graphic or web page work to myself. It creates a rather unhealthy competition within oneself. I feel nothing that I do is up to my standard until it’s edited half to death or the juxtaposition of an image or layout setup is the way I want it to be. Nothing is perfect until I’ve feel it reaches my expectations. Even with writing, I havnen’t written anything that’s made me feel proud. I feel all of my creativity died when I was nineteen, maybe even beforehand.

I’m stumped and trying to figure out what to do. I almost wish I wasn’t me, I want to be someone else that is more easygoing and takes everything as it is. That never plans for the future and is content with the now.

Even as whoever is reading this, this entire section more than likely makes no sense. Well I got news for you, I currently make no sense. And I’m trying to snap out of it. At least bringing blogging back to the forefront of my life makes it easier. I hope I can destress and find a path that makes me comfortable. I don’t want to feel like everything I do is a mistake or that it could be perceived as potential regret.