I'm Always Late
I’m Always Late
I am honestly not the most easiest person to deal with, but I know you aren’t either. I almost had wished that I could have had the communication skills from a few years back to properly compensate the lacking ability to get my ideas and meanings through.
I find myself constantly in a battle of understanding what people truly intend to mean, to justify if their meanings correlate properly with one another. To understand if one can co-habitat with someone of such a caliber that is rarely produced, can test oneself.
When initiating something with someone else, I feel confident and nervous; bright, yet dark.
The time we spent together was interesting to say the least, but I do know how I was testing my own limits with how things would be. I knew that I couldn’t take the coward’s way out and just drop them off the face of the Earth. I couldn’t just choose to make that decision without giving the prospect actual thinking and analysis. In my previous post where I mention my exes, you, now officially my newest ex, I listed reasons as to the pros and cons of being with you. The chances of you agreeing with them is slim but you also don’t look at yourself from the opposing views.
Since the break-up is still new, I feel like I shouldn’t bother writing this. I shouldn’t have the energy to write this since I know me and I know what I do best, I know how to shut down and pretend nothing ever happened. I am best at ignoring things– even the things that bother me and that’s never a healthy aspect to do or practice to encourage. But you showed me that it’s ok to talk about things, to communicate about anything. Such a foreign concept, right? Who talks to people anymore anyway? They’re so insufferable and lack depth to understand what effective communication truly is. But given the history had in previous relationships, it made the very thought of communicating how I feel so hard. I never felt like anything I had to say matter, in the least bit. Until I met you and didn’t know how to properly adjust to having the freedom to saying whatever I wanted within reason. To be heard and to be understood. Adjusting to something like that was hard, and still was. Even when asked if I had anything else I could add after the official breakup, I chose the most perfect time than ever to not share how I really felt. Why? Because you’re not my boyfriend anymore and the will to try escaped and all that was left was someone that had to find herself, again. Nervous laughs and constant “I don’t knows” always will present themselves in situations such as this one.
I personally feel as though, you brought out the worst in me. And that’s definitely not to blame you, though it certainly reads that way. I saw monsters in myself that I truly despised and honestly resented myself for seeing them. I never want to put someone in a position where they feel like they have to constantly appease me. I never want that even if it comes across the other way around. And of course naturally, how can one know when that seems to be how I execute and showcase myself? How else would you have known without me properly telling you myself?
That previous weekend where you were sleep-deprived and basically upset at me, I wanted nothing more than to get away from you. I knew that I had made a mistake and that I didn’t really want to suffer from dealing with it. The sporadic mood changes and angry tirades . . . I just wish I wasn’t born honestly. So naturally the evening that I come home, I just called one of my friends to talk about it and try to keep my tears to a minimum. Though no one in retrospect deserves being around that type of behavior, I had a moment where I felt like I did. It had me thinking for a moment if I was really your destiny. I’m a lot of things, but probably not that. I also have never cried so much in my life in front of or about someone I dated. Whether for their well being, for how they acted towards me or how I reacted towards them. I feel as though so many tears could be prevented and more conversations could have been had.
After That Incident, I contemplated for awhile if this was even a good idea. My natural reaction to things that go poorly is to get rid of whatever is causing me problems and never look back. Don’t bother with them anymore and erase them from my life. It’s easier for me to deal and makes my life much simpler to try to handle situations like that. But it’s never that simple. Being there, that’s when I thought about how to make it better. I’d try to stop pushing you towards things you didn’t want– even a simple “I want to see you now.” would have normally been literal, but figurative. I’d learn to try to trust and understand the nuances that made you who you were and tried to not push my own insecurities and speculations on you. Such things are hard when it’s . . . sadly apart of my normalcy. Not many people will properly say what they mean and mean what they say. It’s easy to assume that the first thing they say isn’t what they mean, which is usually true. It’s odd to be debunked by such things.
What I truly wanted was to reconcile and try to understand things from your point of view further. Try to understand it in a way that would be easiest for me to understand. But we’re both fairly negative people at the end of the day. The things you say and the way you shit on some of the things I enjoy (Tekken) can be a bit much. Mostly the days when you feel your most down, you have nothing but the most negative shit to say. And I feel as though I’m helpless and can’t help you sometimes, last thing I want to do is cause more harm than good, but let’s not forget, we’ve each had our share of doing just that. Each not intentionally but enough to make us consider if we’re even good for one another. I have long accepted that I have my moments, sometimes weeks of being downright negative and not saying anything conducive to break up those bad days. I am well aware of being judgmental and have my reservations about a lot of things, but I am trying to get better and allow myself to take a break from being that. It’s exhausting to always have something to say and not have anything good to follow it up with most of the time. I never want to discourage anyone that has bright ideas and endeavors they want to build off of and carry it into something great.
I don’t know where I was going with any of this, I don’t even know what I want to say truthfully. This amalgamation of what I just wrote basically summarizes my thinking and how my mind works. It’s not always as organized as I would like it to be. I never let you into what I was thinking all the time since I didn’t want it to be trivialized or made fun of. That’s what I’m used to, and I didn’t want to deal with it.
I suppose as you say, the trial period to see if we would work out has come to it’s end for you and you see it’s time to get a refund on the product. I personally feel like I wasn’t finished, but that’s what the product is right? They ask “Are you sure you want to cancel the trial?” once or twice before the deal is done. As someone that easily gives up on people and relationships, I wasn’t ready to give up. But at the end of the day, the decision was made and there’s nothing to persuade you to reconsider.
As a stubborn individual, I wouldn’t want to force you to change your mind to suit the other person’s wants and desires since that isn’t fair. But now that we have gone our separate ways, you said you’ve taken this as a lesson. I have no idea how I’m going to properly take this. I’m late to reconciling, I’m late to admitting my feelings– clearly, I’m late to a lot of things. I guess the tarot cards were right in the end, this relationship would end up in some form of turmoil and divination wins again. Though you never cared about anything revolving around spirituality and things of that nature, I just figured not to share that I’ve had cards to tell me how this relationship would potentially end. Because it’s one of these hobbies I enjoy and know that you’d scoff at it. Yet, I wanted to try to see if I could try to quell the negative ideas of the cards. Silly me thinking you can’t try to escape the future, of course I’m a fool.
I only wish that this could have gone better and my good feeling about it wasn’t wrong. I guess there’s only so much I could be “right” about I suppose. We can clearly still try to talk, since honestly, we can actually do this without me feeling like I could upset you. But give it time, since this separation is still new, I would more or less prefer to be left alone.
Sorry for being late, frustrating, insecure, judgmental, selfish and accusatory towards you at certain times. That was not what either of us wanted to see, but here we are.
I am honestly not the most easiest person to deal with, but I know you aren’t either. I almost had wished that I could have had the communication skills from a few years back to properly compensate the lacking ability to get my ideas and meanings through.
I find myself constantly in a battle of understanding what people truly intend to mean, to justify if their meanings correlate properly with one another. To understand if one can co-habitat with someone of such a caliber that is rarely produced, can test oneself.
When initiating something with someone else, I feel confident and nervous; bright, yet dark.
The time we spent together was interesting to say the least, but I do know how I was testing my own limits with how things would be. I knew that I couldn’t take the coward’s way out and just drop them off the face of the Earth. I couldn’t just choose to make that decision without giving the prospect actual thinking and analysis. In my previous post where I mention my exes, you, now officially my newest ex, I listed reasons as to the pros and cons of being with you. The chances of you agreeing with them is slim but you also don’t look at yourself from the opposing views.
Since the break-up is still new, I feel like I shouldn’t bother writing this. I shouldn’t have the energy to write this since I know me and I know what I do best, I know how to shut down and pretend nothing ever happened. I am best at ignoring things– even the things that bother me and that’s never a healthy aspect to do or practice to encourage. But you showed me that it’s ok to talk about things, to communicate about anything. Such a foreign concept, right? Who talks to people anymore anyway? They’re so insufferable and lack depth to understand what effective communication truly is. But given the history had in previous relationships, it made the very thought of communicating how I feel so hard. I never felt like anything I had to say matter, in the least bit. Until I met you and didn’t know how to properly adjust to having the freedom to saying whatever I wanted within reason. To be heard and to be understood. Adjusting to something like that was hard, and still was. Even when asked if I had anything else I could add after the official breakup, I chose the most perfect time than ever to not share how I really felt. Why? Because you’re not my boyfriend anymore and the will to try escaped and all that was left was someone that had to find herself, again. Nervous laughs and constant “I don’t knows” always will present themselves in situations such as this one.
I personally feel as though, you brought out the worst in me. And that’s definitely not to blame you, though it certainly reads that way. I saw monsters in myself that I truly despised and honestly resented myself for seeing them. I never want to put someone in a position where they feel like they have to constantly appease me. I never want that even if it comes across the other way around. And of course naturally, how can one know when that seems to be how I execute and showcase myself? How else would you have known without me properly telling you myself?
That previous weekend where you were sleep-deprived and basically upset at me, I wanted nothing more than to get away from you. I knew that I had made a mistake and that I didn’t really want to suffer from dealing with it. The sporadic mood changes and angry tirades . . . I just wish I wasn’t born honestly. So naturally the evening that I come home, I just called one of my friends to talk about it and try to keep my tears to a minimum. Though no one in retrospect deserves being around that type of behavior, I had a moment where I felt like I did. It had me thinking for a moment if I was really your destiny. I’m a lot of things, but probably not that. I also have never cried so much in my life in front of or about someone I dated. Whether for their well being, for how they acted towards me or how I reacted towards them. I feel as though so many tears could be prevented and more conversations could have been had.
After That Incident, I contemplated for awhile if this was even a good idea. My natural reaction to things that go poorly is to get rid of whatever is causing me problems and never look back. Don’t bother with them anymore and erase them from my life. It’s easier for me to deal and makes my life much simpler to try to handle situations like that. But it’s never that simple. Being there, that’s when I thought about how to make it better. I’d try to stop pushing you towards things you didn’t want– even a simple “I want to see you now.” would have normally been literal, but figurative. I’d learn to try to trust and understand the nuances that made you who you were and tried to not push my own insecurities and speculations on you. Such things are hard when it’s . . . sadly apart of my normalcy. Not many people will properly say what they mean and mean what they say. It’s easy to assume that the first thing they say isn’t what they mean, which is usually true. It’s odd to be debunked by such things.
What I truly wanted was to reconcile and try to understand things from your point of view further. Try to understand it in a way that would be easiest for me to understand. But we’re both fairly negative people at the end of the day. The things you say and the way you shit on some of the things I enjoy (Tekken) can be a bit much. Mostly the days when you feel your most down, you have nothing but the most negative shit to say. And I feel as though I’m helpless and can’t help you sometimes, last thing I want to do is cause more harm than good, but let’s not forget, we’ve each had our share of doing just that. Each not intentionally but enough to make us consider if we’re even good for one another. I have long accepted that I have my moments, sometimes weeks of being downright negative and not saying anything conducive to break up those bad days. I am well aware of being judgmental and have my reservations about a lot of things, but I am trying to get better and allow myself to take a break from being that. It’s exhausting to always have something to say and not have anything good to follow it up with most of the time. I never want to discourage anyone that has bright ideas and endeavors they want to build off of and carry it into something great.
I don’t know where I was going with any of this, I don’t even know what I want to say truthfully. This amalgamation of what I just wrote basically summarizes my thinking and how my mind works. It’s not always as organized as I would like it to be. I never let you into what I was thinking all the time since I didn’t want it to be trivialized or made fun of. That’s what I’m used to, and I didn’t want to deal with it.
I suppose as you say, the trial period to see if we would work out has come to it’s end for you and you see it’s time to get a refund on the product. I personally feel like I wasn’t finished, but that’s what the product is right? They ask “Are you sure you want to cancel the trial?” once or twice before the deal is done. As someone that easily gives up on people and relationships, I wasn’t ready to give up. But at the end of the day, the decision was made and there’s nothing to persuade you to reconsider.
As a stubborn individual, I wouldn’t want to force you to change your mind to suit the other person’s wants and desires since that isn’t fair. But now that we have gone our separate ways, you said you’ve taken this as a lesson. I have no idea how I’m going to properly take this. I’m late to reconciling, I’m late to admitting my feelings– clearly, I’m late to a lot of things. I guess the tarot cards were right in the end, this relationship would end up in some form of turmoil and divination wins again. Though you never cared about anything revolving around spirituality and things of that nature, I just figured not to share that I’ve had cards to tell me how this relationship would potentially end. Because it’s one of these hobbies I enjoy and know that you’d scoff at it. Yet, I wanted to try to see if I could try to quell the negative ideas of the cards. Silly me thinking you can’t try to escape the future, of course I’m a fool.
I only wish that this could have gone better and my good feeling about it wasn’t wrong. I guess there’s only so much I could be “right” about I suppose. We can clearly still try to talk, since honestly, we can actually do this without me feeling like I could upset you. But give it time, since this separation is still new, I would more or less prefer to be left alone.
Sorry for being late, frustrating, insecure, judgmental, selfish and accusatory towards you at certain times. That was not what either of us wanted to see, but here we are.
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