(Written 04/2017) Captain's Log: Battles From Within

Hi, it's Me, your Depression.

   I'm always watching how you're doing. You seem to be enjoying a happier life, trying to make do with the hand you were dealt with. You, making sure that your friends are having an alright day; checking up on them. They don't need you to be their mother. They don't need your overly analytical and judgemental ways to intrude upon their lives. Can you imagine how much better their lives would be without you constantly harping on and on about what's best for them? Sure, you've recently stopped imposing how you felt about some of the choices they make, but does that truly matter? Do they care about what you have to say? They've been putting up with you for the most part of their lives, soon they'll abandon you like your supposed "friend" who you carpooled with. You're out of a job, and eventually will be out of anyone to talk to. Well, except little ole me of course. I will n e v e r leave your side.

   It seems you're in a new relationship too. I bet this won't last long either. You keep trying to fight me and how I basically enjoy trying to control your life every so often. You spent a reasonable amount of time with that guy, do you think he actually values you as a person? Sure you talk to him often and engage in conversation with him. You constantly sending him "I miss you" text messages. How pathetic are you really? You don't have to bother him, he has other things to be doing than to be dealing with you of all people. Cute how you guys started to see each other, but when will this expire? Within the next month, two months, on his birthday? You won't last long enough to even have the opportunity to have your mother meet him. You wasted your words with her saying that you like him and that she'll have the chance to meet him. That chance won't come. You can't even verbally express yourself like you used to, you used to have such a way with words, now you're a fucking child that only knows how to make stupid grunting sounds. He thinks you're a spaz, he thinks you're high energy and he even is bothered by how much you're into zodiac signs. He will tire of you, he is too old to be bothered with your internalized problems, trauma and anxiety. You're damaged, you're a mess and there's nothing good going for you in your life currently. School can easily be incomplete, you seem to already be having a battle with that. Oh wait, that's me making life difficult for you. You technically can only have one thing going for you, you can't have multiple so pick one. That's right, that's the only thing left, but that's fine, you can't have a positive, healthy relationship while going to school. Would you want me to let up on your road block with that? I'll think about it. You're not worthy of having a successful career or anything positive going for you. You're nothing.

   You have your optimism, your pessimism, your reality, your astral dimension dream void, and me, amongst the oldest of all these "friends" you have in your little head.  I'll be here to feed your negative side, the side that makes you wish you weren't even alive in this world. It hasn't made too much of a debut except for three years ago. When he leaves you, I hope you starve yourself to death again. I hope that you won't have the energy to ever leave your room, achieve any of the dreams and aspirations you wanted in this lifetime. In fact, I'd be surprised if you survived to even be 30. Though that's actually me being optimistic, you won't live long enough to be 27.

   If he can handle everything that consumes you, if he can handle you having problems voicing your opinions (can't take all of the credit, anxiety likes to tag team) and how you really feel, then either he's feeling sorry for you or he's as foolish as I thought he originally was. I'm stuck with you for life, he can't get rid of me. Ever.

Hey Depression, Shut The Fuck Up-- It's the Real Me

   Okay, I'm so tired of feeling entirely bogged down by you. I'm tired of feeling like nothing matters because you try to beat it down into me. I am already extremely difficult to deal with, you only add to it. I am already sorely aware of how irritating it is to be around me and I try to make the most of a bad situation. I don't want someone to feel like they're smothered by my negativity. Smothered by my inability to feel comfortable in how I feel, drowned in the way I try to pacify you on days that I truly do feel like the day is actually a good day and I absolutely refuse to feel asphyxiated by you whenever I try to express my feelings for my boyfriend and even my friends. My friends are my strength that you've been trying to tell me for so long that aren't going to be there whenever I'm older, they mean the absolute most to me. They're my family when my real family weren't even there for me or when I knew they wouldn't be helpful in any way.

   I've had some really shitty setbacks in my life in regards to employment and relationships, but I have tried really hard to not let this consume me. I won't let this consume. I will continue to persevere and keep trying my damnedest to find another job or something to make a bit more money before I am able to finish school. Rather, before I am able to feel confident in my medical coding abilities to get the proper certification, I will definitely be able to find something able to sustain me. I believe in me before anyone else. Everyone else is invited to have confidence and faith in me, that's always nice, but I don't solely live off of that like you perceive me to be. You're trash, and as long as you're with me, you'll always be trash.

   I greatly enjoy everything Al has done for me. He has enjoyed spending time with me, I've enjoyed spending time with him. He's the first man to make me feel like, being myself is okay; more than okay, that I can actually feel accepted and not rejected or dejected. He actually wants to hear what I have to say, and won't write it off as "Female hormones" or me "Being a bitch", that's something that resonates so well with me. Maybe that's why I like him so much. . . Maybe that's why it feels really natural to constantly be vulnerable with him.

   I was serious when I told him that I never allow myself to feel vulnerable, I was so serious that I was scared that he was going to laugh at me. I took a deep breath when I chose to contact him and get to know him a little better; allowing myself to not put on my usual harsh front. Not to have my guard up as high as it usually is. I chose a path that feels so foreign, yet comfortable. So alien, but natural and he accepts it. I find that I'm not nearly as irritated as I usually am when I have all my pretenses in place. I allow myself to just feel like an ordinary human being, not someone that has been traumatic disregarded or sexually used and cast aside. I leave myself exposed to him for interpretation, which is more than anyone ever gets. Sometimes I don't always have much to say, and he accepts that. He didn't want me to get the wrong impression of him-- thinking that he's perfect and I respect and accept that. I told him that if he was perfect, there was no way I could be with someone like that.

   As someone that tries to make sure everything is in order, no mistakes are made ever for any reason, yet is the harshest on themselves, I am entirely aware that perfection is out of reach to the human psyche. Perfection is, in a way, an acute mental illness that not even the most "perfect" person can fulfill. Becoming perfect will destroy the average human and rip them away from their original purpose in life: the purpose to live. Someone like me, who isn't all that perfect but feels disgusted and immediately let down and shut down when I make mistakes. Let alone, when I accept that mistake and have to figure out how to build myself back up from it. I try as hard as I can to let my mind accept that these are lessons that are going to be learned, even though you, my darkest friend Depression, likes to think they aren't. When I allowed myself to enjoy the company of JB and become closer, I blamed myself. When I let Charlie talked down to me and forced me into sexual situations I didn't want to have, I blamed myself. When I let someone that seemed like an ordinary human being, rape me because he didn't believe that I had limited sexual encounters, I deeply resented myself. Let's not add the encounters I have with some of my friends and those that I thought were decent companions to be around, that turned sour from either a form of miscommunication, my antisocial or moodiness. Or worse, when you, my ugly Depression, decided to make an appearance and knew just the right thing to say at the wrong fucking time. Granted, I could have handled the situations better, but there you go, acting on your own accord, as if I can't make decisions on my own. Ruining any positive impacts I could have had without you trying to make matters worse. I won't stand aside and let you try to sabotage something good that's going on in my life. I won't let you try to push Al away from me when I do greatly enjoy and appreciate him. I like him, I want him to keep liking me for the individual that I am. Even if there are some ugly aspects to me that I'm afraid of him for seeing, but I want him to be aware that that's all me. I wish the same for him as well, I want him to know that I can embrace him and faults of him that come up.

Depression,

   I don't need you to bring me down when I truly, and sincerely need myself right now. I don't need your help. As someone that basically lives inside their head, as someone that recognizes a mistake before it's being made and has a tendency to berate themselves while it's being made-- I don't need you. You're not going to destroy this positive, relaxing life force I have allowed into my life and inner circle, and you won't destroy my drive to continue to do better than you're perceiving that I am. I will get a job, if not a better job than the one at Amazon and I will continue to make heavy strides to complete school. If this is the only school I go to in my life AND manage to complete it, I will be satisfied. If I find myself getting back into my graphic designing hobby, I will become freelance if need be. If I find myself getting back into making layouts and coding them, I will find my way. If I am able to ever finish any of my fanfictions or write a book like I constantly keep telling myself, I fucking will. You will not try to erase the things I once heavily enjoyed, you will not take away the people in my life, you will not take away someone that I do hope will enjoy my company for months and years to come. Just, stop trying to harass me. I'm doing better, I'm doing a lot better. If you're going to stay with me the rest of my life, you WILL get fucking comfortable with the positive things I allow to come my way. I won't let you bog me down with this negativity. I have a decent amount of negativity for myself, you adding to it just ruins shit.

   The second there's a cure for you, I will get rid of you. But as far as science and medication is going, there's no getting rid of you. So sit back there quietly, shut the fucking door and shut the fuck up. Jesus, you come out after I experienced my first death in the family and you haven't gone away. You've only made it worse. But that's alright, we already coexist together, and I'll make it a point to not feed anymore of my insecurities and worries into you. I will handle them without you, as it should be.

Also, btw. Fuck you. :)