Exitium Sui

Self-Destruction

I have been finding myself in the darkest recesses of my mind lately and it has done nothing but consume me in the worst possible way. It does not help that I seem to be waking up at a time where I used to get up for work when I got hired back on at Amazon again, via the staffing agency, Integrity. I got hired back on via the agency, however, that wasn’t for long. I lost my job not because of the accidental PIT incident I had, but because of the damn quality errors I had and that they felt the need not to share with me until the moment I signed those termination papers. I never felt so worthless and irritated in my life. 

I mostly just felt empty to be honest. I was blessed with the fact I have great friends that have been with me through thick and thin to help take me home and make sure I had some good laughs on the way there. 

But the thought will always be in the back of my head, Am I even good enough to maintain a job anymore? Who will even hire me? Granted, I haven’t put any of the past two jobs I recently tried to hold this year on my resume, because why would I want to show that I have shoddy job history? I would rather keep my resume as is, showcasing that I’ve only ever held three jobs in my life time and struggling to find another one. Another one deserving of my worth and pay grade. 

However, how can I if I can’t get hired again? How can I if I’ve technically been almost over half a year without a consistent sense of employment? I feel like I’m wondering aimlessly to find my lot in life and that includes finding a stable job that isn’t on too much bullshit. It’s even more insulting that weeks later, I still wake up at a time that I would have usually gotten up for work. I’m also not sleeping properly either because of this ongoing stress and annoyance. I’ve been so deep into my head and ass deep into my own self-destructive behavior that I feel ashamed that I have to ask for help of any time and any time someone is trying to be positive, I am easily irritated. I just want someone to be real with me. Be honest, and be frank. I want to know if this is really what this year is going to be about for me. Jobless, potentially homeless? I don’t want either of those options. I want to be able to obtain a job that I am happy with and be able to afford myself to live another day. Another month, hopefully another year. 

I came out of my soulless rut of darkness mid-writing this so I can’t fully embody want I wanted to write down, but this is good enough. Consider this an update of sorts. I’m not ok, but I will be ok. I don’t want to be alive, but I am here trying to be alive, and I want to succeed in writing, but how can I if I’m unknown. 

Only time will tell.